


The shade will turn to red

by moonlit_tears



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Character Death, Depression, Emo, Gay, High School, M/M, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Trans Character, Trans Male Character, Trans Tyler Joseph, joshler - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-25
Updated: 2018-04-25
Packaged: 2019-04-27 16:50:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 5,518
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14429976
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moonlit_tears/pseuds/moonlit_tears
Summary: Tyler has known Josh for years,Josh has known Taylor for yearsorTyler can’t stand being Taylor for much longer andJosh is trying to figure out what’s wrong with his best friend





	1. Friable

**Author's Note:**

> Hey! This is my first story here, I’m not new to fan fictions but I am new here! Hope you can enjoy my story! Any comments or criticisms are welcome,  
> Love Ray

Friable: easily broken into pieces or reduced to nothing

Tyler is broken, or rather Taylor is.  
She shouldn’t be feeling this way, she knows that this will only cause her problems but she can’t. She, no he can’t, but he is.

Tyler feels utterly broken, he wishes he could just wake up and look in the mirror and like what he sees, but he can’t when what that is is long hair, big boobs, just overall a female. Tyler wasn’t a female, and seeing that in the mirror everyday was taking a toll. 

There was no way he could get out of this situation without any problems, so he was stuck. Stuck wearing oversized shirts, tight sports bras or bandages, and his hair in a ponytail. 

Even after everything lookin in the mirror still hurt Tyler, as people wouldn’t talk to him, they will talk to her. 

Her, the body he is stuck in. Thinking about it makes his skin crawl. Just being alive made his shoulders feel heavy, his chest feel tight, and just he’d feel overall very uncomfortable. This body wasn’t his, and he couldn’t wait to leave it.

Tyler constantly thinks about leaving his body, and this world. He wants to finally be free, but hasn’t yet since he is scared. He still has some hope left but it is dwindling. He just wants to feel whole again, but he doesn’t feel he can hold on much longer.

Tyler truly is friable, he’s already been broken, and with a bit more pressure, he’ll reduce to nothing.


	2. Mágoa

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the support on the last chapter! I hope this one will be as enjoyable. Stay safe,  
> Love Ray

Mágoa: a heartbreaking feeling that leaves long-lasting traces, visible in gestures and facial expressions.

Taylor is acting strange, Josh knows that.  
Tyler is acting strange, Josh doesn’t know that.

Josh cares about Taylor, Tyler knows that.  
Josh would care about Tyler, Tyler doesn’t know that.

Taylor has been acting weird, it all started with small things, like tired eyes and baggy clothing, but know it’s worse, Josh doesn’t think Taylor has slept in a while and they barely smile anymore.

Josh tries to make Taylor feel better, but it isn’t working, nothing is. He was worried about her self-image so he tried to bring it up with compliments. But every time he reminded Taylor how pretty she is, her shoulders would sink in, and she would look worse everyday.

Josh doesn’t know he’s hurting Taylor, he just wants to help, but she won’t let him in.

Tyler can’t take it anymore, he is so, so tired he wishes he could collapse and never get back up. 

He knows Josh just wants to help but it hurts. Every time he hears her name from his lips he feels as though someone was gripping his throat. It was constricting, and he couldn’t get a release.

His only release was in punishing himself. 

When all his thoughts built up and felt as though he might finally suffocate in their grip, he would bruise himself. It didn’t start out this way though, it started with rubber bands and digging his nails in his skin, but it wasn’t enough. Tyler didn’t want Josh to find out so he stuck to bruising himself. He had no control of anything but in his own self destruction.

Tyler knew that he could tell Josh, but Josh was all he had, and decided he couldn’t risk it, he just can’t. 

All this emotional build up was showing in his appearance. His eyes had dark bags under them, his arms and thighs were bruised, his shoulders were always slouched, he wore baggy sweaters to cover himself, and he wasn’t very clean.

He wishes he could just sit in the bath and pretend it was fine, but it wasn’t fine. He couldn’t look at himself so actually getting clean was getting harder and harder.

He was tired of this long-lasting pain, he just wanted an out, but for now he just settles for the throbbing feeling in his arms.


	3. Whelve

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the reads, I love knowing people enjoy my work! I love you all, have a great day  
> Ray

Whelve: to bury something deep; to hide.

Tyler is hiding himself. He wants to let himself be free but he can’t. He is so worried what others would think of him, what if everyone left? He didn’t want that, but he knew that he needs to tell someone soon, or else something bad might happen.

Josh knows Taylor is hiding something, but he can’t tell what. He has tried and tried to no avail. He thinks hat maybe Taylor isn’t ready or feels as if Josh would be disappointed in him, which he could never be. He loves Taylor and wants her to have everything in the world, ok maybe he has a little crush on her, but who wouldn’t. Josh just wishes that she was happy, her smile was so beautiful it would light up the room, her laugh was angelic, and she told the funniest jokes. But she barely smiles now, it has been weeks since Josh heard her laugh, and she barely jokes around ever.

When Josh finally confronts Taylor, Tyler is suprised, though he shouldn’t be. Maybe he is just suprised it took this long, but now that they are here he knows it’s serious. 

“You can tell me anything, I’m so worried, you barely smile anymore. What’s wrong Taylor?” Jos says concern lacing his voice. Tyler tries not to wince when he hears the name Taylor, but it just sounds so wrong.

“I can’t say,” Tyler pleads with Josh, “you’ll see me differently and maybe even leave.” He sounds so tired, so desperate, he just wants Josh to love him for himself, not Taylor.

“Nothing you could say would ever change my mind about you.” Josh says, but Tyler knows better. He knows that no matter how much Josh thinks he means this, it will change something. “Please Taylor, you can tell me.” 

“Ok, but you promise you won’t leave me?” Josh scoffs at Taylor, he knows that there is no way that he would leave her. He knows this is when Taylor needs him the most.

“Of course Taylor, I couldn’t imagine leaving.”

“Well, first things first it’s Tyler.”


	4. Alexithymia

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey new chapter! I’m really enjoying this book so far so if you are to comments and kudos are really nice and make me smile. Have a lovely day,   
> Ray

Alexithymia: an inability to describe emotions in a verbal manner.

Josh was confused, what was Taylor saying? He was just so at a loss he’s sure that Taylor is laughing at him in her brain.

“I’d rather you call me Tyler, as in a boys name, because I’m a boy.” Taylor-Tyler said so nonchalantly, that Josh was stunned. 

Taylor was a Tyler so she was a he, he was so confused and he didn’t know what to do or say. What do you even say? Nothing in Josh’s mind was making any sense and he so badly wanted to comfort Tyler but he was so confused.

“I, ah, don’t know what to say?” Josh said, though it sounded more like a question than a statement. He didn’t want to upset Tyler he just couldn’t voice his feelings.

“I’d understand if you wanted to ditch me, I know it’s weird, that you’ll look at me differently, and...” Tyler rambled on and Josh was even more confused.

Did this change anything? He didn’t think so but what if it was going to? Tyler probably wouldn’t want to be called a pretty girl. Oh no, Josh thought. He was just trying to help Tyler but what if he was makin it worse?

“I’m sorry, you know?” Josh said and Tyler quirked an eyebrow, obviously confused. “For calling you a pretty girl and all those other things, I just wanted to help.”

Tyler’s face turned red and he looked very apologetic, “No, no, please it’s my fault I’m a freak, don’t apologize. It’s not even like you knew you were just being a good friend.”

Josh didn’t like the way that Tyler called himself a freak, he didn’t think he was, he was glad Tyler told him. He was happy Tyler could trust him, be open, and possibly happy again. Also his mom was always bugging him about getting more guy friends and now he had one more.

“So Tyler,” Josh started slowly glancing at the way Tyler smiled brightly when he heard his name. This was the most genuine smile Josh had seen on Tyler in forever. “Who knows, who can know, and can I call you Tyler in school?”

“You, no one, and probably not.” Tyler looked sad when admitting this, Josh assumes because he likes being called by his real name. 

“Maybe I can call you Ty? If people ask we can say it’s a nickname?” Josh asked and Tyler nods vigorously, glad that he can be called something close to his chosen name. “And is there anything I can do to help you feel better?”

“I’ve wanted to go shopping, but I don’t want to get picked on.” Tyler said embarrassed at the admitted weakness but Josh didn’t care, he loved Tyler and wanted him to be happy.

“Of course I’ll take you.” Josh said earning another bright smile from Tyler who was so overjoyed he might finally feel better in his skin.

“Thank you.”


	5. Thantophobia

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you are liking the story so far as much as I am! This story is really good for me it helps me get some of my dysphoria sadness out. I love all of you, please stay strong, it can and will get better   
> -Ray

Thantophobia: the phobia of losing someone you love

Josh doesn’t want to lose Tyler and Tyler doesn’t want to lose Josh. Josh is worried that Tyler is withering away and that he won’t be happy ever again. Tyler is worried Josh will see how fucked up he is and how awful he is and leave.

Tyler is nervous, he can’t believe he told Josh and he hasn’t left yet. He is nervous about going shopping though, he just wants to look on the outside how he feels in the inside. But what if something goes wrong! What if someone makes fun of him, that wouldn’t be good. Tyler is so worried that he thinks he might be sick, but he knows he can go if Josh will be there. Josh makes everything better.

Getting to the mall was the easy part, shopping would be the hard part. Josh didn’t know how comfortable Tyler would be all of the sudden changing his looks and not being out, but he really didn’t know how to ask. Maybe Tyler wanted his hair cut, Josh suddenly thought. Having really feminine hair probably wasn’t helping him feel good about himself. 

When they were at the mall Josh finally got the courage to break the silence, “Where do you want to start? Do you want your hair cut, we can go there first?”

Tyler’s face lit up at he mention of getting a haircut, he had dreamt of ditching the long locks that felt like deadweight dangling from his skull. But getting his hair cut and dressing like a boy was bound to get questions, was he ready to come out? 

“Tyler bud, I can practically hear your thoughts from here, what’s wrong?” Josh’s said, breaking Tyler from his trance.

“I want to be called Tyler,” he started, gaining confusion from Josh. He shushed him and continued, “By everyone, I mean. I want to be out at school. My parents aren’t home often anyways, I doubt they’d notice.” 

Josh was happy Tyler wanted to be out but was upset at the mention of Tyler’s home life. It had never been good and he always wanted to make Tyler feel better about it. What parents wouldn’t notice that their child all of the sudden is another person practically! 

After Tyler gets his hair cut, and buys clothes, not without many compliments of how handsome he looked from Josh, he felt as if he could finally breathe a bit more. His arms were still quite bruised and Tyler was sure he had gotten away with covering them in shitty concealer while trying on clothes. Even if Josh had noticed he hadn’t mentioned them, well until they got to the car.

“Tyler,” Josh sounded very serious, and Tyler hummed in acknowledgement. “You’d tell me if someone was hurting you right?” 

Oh no.

Tyler’s heart was beating a hundred miles a minute but he couldn’t show it. Josh couldn’t find out about his bad habit. He knew he needed to sound convincing and get Josh of his back about this. The last thing he needed was to worry Josh. 

“Of course I would, why?” Tyler said hoping it didn’t sound as forced as it did in his head.

“No reason, just worried.” Josh said with his eyes flicking quickly to Tyler’s covered arms. Hat action wasn’t missed by Tyler though and he knew he would need to hide it better from now on.

When they arrived at Tyler’s house Josh grabbed Tyler’s hand and held it in his hands. “I’m going to call the school explaining the situation at school so you don’t have to.” Josh said sweetly and Tyler had never been more thankful for Josh, ever. “I just want you to know that I still care about you Tyler, this changes nothing. And seeing you happy makes me happy, goodnight.” 

Josh walked away as Tyler called back a quick goodnight, he had to prepare for tomorrow. There was no way that tomorrow would go well and he was so overwhelmed. 

He may look like a boy slightly, but he still had breasts and a vagina. Those aren’t things boys have and Tyler’s body just felt so wrong.

Wrong   
Wrong   
Wrong

Nothing felt good, he felt as if his body was broken and he cried. Why did Tyler have to deal with this, he just wanted to feel normal, to feel happy. He couldn’t understand why he was feeling this pain, but deep down he knew he deserved it. This body was wrong, so he needed to punish it.

And punish it he did.


	6. Absquatulate

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This isn’t too triggering but it does talk about making plans for suicide even though it goes into no details, please be safe!  
> -Ray

Absquatulate: to leave without saying goodbye

Josh would never dream of leaving Tyler.  
Tyler plans on leaving Josh

Tyler didn’t want to go to school after what happened yesterday. He can’t believe he had thought that coming out would be a good idea. He had so many more bruises, the first time they weren’t all by his own hands. 

Josh was sympathetic but it didn’t matter, nothing mattered anymore. He wanted out, more than he ever had before. 

He went to school because he didn’t have a plan, yet. He was hurting and didn’t want to go back, back to the teasing, the stares, the firsts. But without a plan surely someone would find him at home, so he needed to be here to make his plan.

When Josh first saw Tyler he knew something was wrong, his shoulders sagged even more, if that was even possible in the first place and he looked so lifeless.

Tyler wouldn’t talk all day, his brain was too busy. He needed a plan and fast the day was going to be over soon, and the quicker he did it the better chance he had. 

Josh couldn’t get Tyler to talk all day but in a last ditch effort after school he cornered Tyler. Tyler looked worried but he knew he couldn’t avoid Josh. Josh would want an explanation but he couldn’t give one, he would end up spilling his plan. And he couldn’t say goodbye either it didn’t seem right.

“Tyler what’s wrong, I know you wanted everything to be perfect but it doesn’t always work out like that.” Josh said pleading for any response from Tyler.

“I know it’s just,” he paused taking a shaker breath, “Wishful thinking will always be my downfall.” 

Josh was stunned as Tyler walked away, presumably to go home. He was glad Tyler said something but anything would be better than that. He just wanted to help the other boy but he was rejecting him. He just wanted Tyler to be happy, so he could ask him on a date, but he wasn’t in a good place and Josh didn’t want to push something like that on Tyler.

Josh knew something was up so he went to check on Tyler who had left about 20 minutes prior. He knew that this wasn’t good, and kinda creepy but he was so worried, and the closer he got the more dread he felt. 

Getting to the door Josh discovers it’s unlocked, so he hesitantly enters. He sneaks upstairs to check on Tyler and hears crying from the bathroom. He knows it’s Tyler so he slowly opens the door. What he sees shocks him to the core and his voice is very hoarse and shaky when he tries to speak.

“Tyler, I,” he says with tears falling down his face, “Can’t believe you wouldn’t even say goodbye.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you at least enjoyed this chapter, kudos and comments are greatly appreciated. Thank you so much!  
> -Ray


	7. Querencia

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! This chapter could be very triggering! Please read at your own risk and feel free to message me if you need anything. 
> 
> Stay safe and have a wonderful day,  
> Ray

Querencia: a place from which one’s strength is drawn, where one feels at home; the place where you are your most authentic self.

Josh is staring at Tyler.  
Tyler is looking anywhere but Josh.

Looking your best friend in the face when you are caught mid suicide attempt is not a situation Tyler wanted to be caught in.

Josh was in hysterics, and Tyler didn’t understand. If anyone should be bawling, screaming it should be him, not Josh. Why is Josh even here, Tyler thinks. Why would he waste his time on someone as awful as me?

Josh lightly grabs Tyler’s face so he could meet his eyes, his face was bruised, a large purple stain covering his right cheek. Josh went to grab a first aid kit to clean up Tyler.

Tyler has cuts running over his arms, but you could tell that’s not how he planed on dying. There was a pill bottle still clutched in Tyler’s hand, and a blade in the other. 

“Tyler, can you let that go please.” Josh pleaded, reaching his hand out towards him, holding it open so he could drop it in.

“Why,” Tyler says hoarsely, he sounds extremely tired and looks like he is about to break into a million pieces. “Why are you here?” he finishes, looking away from Josh, but still holding on to the blade. He begins to bring it back against his skin creating more cuts.

“Tyler!” Josh says voice raising, as he tries to pry the blade out of his hand. When Josh gets it he immediately throws it in the toilet and flushes it down. He looks back at Tyler and begins to start cleaning him up.

The air is silent, which is painful for Josh, but peaceful for Tyler. He feels so comfortable around Josh, so much so that even know he is filled with some sort of hope. He feels at home with Josh, more at home than he even felt in his own home. Josh just made everything better. 

This though, was a problem because as Josh and Tyler both knew is that all good things come to an end and that the other will not live forever. Tyler is convinced Josh will leave him and Josh is worried that Tyler will leave everyone.

Josh gets all the blood off of Tyler’s arms and sees the many bruises and how Tyler’s arms look like watercolours. This confuses him, they couldn’t have all been from today, so who’s been hurting him. Josh is happy that there are no scars precious and that this cutting is new and not an addiction, but he is still worried about the bruises.

“Who gave you these?” Are the words Josh says, and they seem to hand in the air. Tyler knows what he’s talking about and if he didn’t, Josh lightly run in his hands on the bruises would give Tyler a clue. “Who gave you them Tyler?” Josh says more forcefully. He’s tired of being lied to and just wants the truth, he wants to help.

“I did.” Tyler said timidly, he hates admitting his weaknesses, he doesn’t want to be judged. He knows what’s next, either Josh leaves because he sees how fucked up he is, or he looks all disappointed at what he’s done. What Josh does surprises Tyler completely.

Josh wrapped his arms around Tyler. 

Tyler is confused by this, he barely ever got any physical contact, especially something this sentimental. This hug was more than just a hug, Tyler felt as if Josh was trying to hold him together with this hug. What Tyler did next even surprised himself.

Tyler wrapped his arms around Josh.

“Hey, I’m taking you back to my place. I want you to be safe tonight okay?” Josh said, still holding Tyler. 

Tyler pushed his head into Josh’s shoulder and simply nodded.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed, leave a kudos and/or a comment, they make my day. Seeing comments, even just a small one really motivates me to write.   
> Have a good day,   
> Ray


	8. Sillage

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for a bit of a break, I’ve been feeling really shitty and sad! I hope you guys feel happy and are healthy and have a good day!!! Love you,  
> Ray

Sillage: the scent that lingers in the air, the trail left in the water, the impression made in space after someone or something has been and gone; the trace of someone’s perfume.

Tyler woke up confused. He tried to get up but was seemingly being held down. Tyler’s heart began to beat faster and he was now fully awake and alert. Looking at his surroundings he realized there was no reason to panic, he was in Josh’s room and the thing that was holding him was Josh. Sighing in content at the thought of being held by the beautiful boy who held him he snuggled into his chest. 

Thoughts of the night before slowly slipped into Tyler’s mind, interrupting his enjoyment of being held. He wasn’t sure of how he was feeling but he knows he wishes that he had died. There was nothing holding him to this earth but Josh, and really Tyler was slipping through Josh’s hands like water.

A hand being brushed across his cheek breaks him from his thoughts. Josh shifts slightly, propping himself up on one arm yawning before speaking. 

“Why are you crying?” 

Tyler hadn’t even realized he had been crying and before he could say a coherent answer he could feel Josh press a feather light kiss to his cheek. This caused a giggle to escape Tyler’s lips and to Josh the sound was almost magical. 

“Why’d you do that?” 

“I don’t like it when you cry.” Josh said sitting up fully. “You know we need to talk about yesterday.” He said sadly, grabbing my hand and intertwining his fingers with Tyler’s.

“Why are you so touchey-feely today?” Tyler said, trying to avoid the subject at hand with his own question.

“I almost lost you,” he says sighing. He puts a hand on Tyler’s shoulder almost pleading him, “I care so much about you Tyler, I want you to get better so you can be mine.”

Hearing this was too much for Tyler, he broke down into tears. Josh wrapped his arms around Tyler and cradled him as he cried. Tyler pulled out of the hug and looked at Josh with sad eyes. He couldn’t have feelings for Tyler. Tyler wouldn’t allow this, he would be gone soon and if Josh got too attached it would ruin him.

“Josh,” he cried pleadingly. “Josh, I won’t be here for long. You can’t get that attached.” As he finished talking he fell into another fit of sobs, falling right into Josh’s arms. 

“Please don’t say that.” Josh said, rubbing his hand soothingly on Tyler’s back. “I’d miss you so, so much Tyler. I see you everywhere, you wouldn’t leave such a big gaping hole in my life.” 

They spent the rest of the day like that, in each other’s arms.


	9. Hiraeth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Motivation who?   
> Honestly feeling pretty good recently and wanting to write! Hopefully you all can enjoy this chapter!   
> Love y’all  
> -Ray

Hiraeth: a homesickness for a home of which you cannot return, a home which maybe never was; the nostalgia, the yearning, the grief for the lost places of your past.

No matter how much Tyler wanted to, he could not spend the rest of his life in Josh’s arms. He eventually had to go back home, then school.

School wasn’t any better, people were still ignorant and liked to beat him up for it. Home was still bad since his parents were still as absent as ever, not even noticing his drastic change in appearance.

He longed for a past and a future that did not and do not belong to him. He longs for a normal family, and to have been born in the correct body. To potentially live a life without ridicule or problem. He is homesick for a home that is not his, and never will be.

Josh is worried. 

He knows that Tyler isn’t any better, but despite all that, he is putting his full effort on trying to help.

When he saw Tyler getting beat up in the hallways he rushed to his defence. When Tyler was crying because his dysphoria was too much, Josh was there to hold him as he cried. When Tyler felt as if no one would ever love him, Josh would be there to kiss his forehead and tell him how much he cared. 

It has been weeks, and despite all of Josh’s efforts, Tyler is seemingly getting worse.

Tyler is the reason Josh gets up in the morning, but Tyler doesn’t want to get up in the morning.

When Josh asks what’s wrong for what seems like the millionth time, Tyler finally gives him an answer.

“I don’t have a home Josh,” he said sighing heavily. He couldn’t keep it in anymore despite his best efforts at it. “I have a house yes, but not a home. And I never will! I’m stuck here, in this stupid body, and I will never be at home!” Tyler cried, breathing heavily though slightly relieved that it was finally off his chest.

“Oh Tyler,” Josh said while caressing Tyler’s face. 

“I just,” Tyler sobs falling into Josh’s arms for the hundredth time in the past few weeks. “I just, want a home Josh.” 

“I want you to feel at home with me.” 

Tyler pulled back, looking at Josh curiously through his tears eyes, “What do you mean?” 

Seeing Tyler’s confusion Josh cupped his hand on Tyler’s cheek moving his thumb slowly over his cheekbone. He began leaning in slowly, and finally closed the distance.

Tyler was confused at first because this was Josh, and he was kissing him. But slowly began to melt into the kiss and kissed back. He began to feel a sense of warmth spread through his body at how good this felt. He was so happy in this moment all was forgotten momentarily. Tyler was the first to pull back, slightly out of breath. Panting slightly, he took a deep breath, gaining his composure back.

“Okay, I see what you mean now.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos and comments are really appreciated! Even if it’s something stupid I really like seeing comments or feedback thank you!


	10. Natsukashii

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Love y’all, hope you enjoy this chapter.  
> -Ray

Natsukashii: suddenly, euphorically nostalgic, triggered by experiencing something for the first time in years.

Tyler didn’t understand it. He loved Josh, and he knew Josh loved him but he was still sad. 

It seems that being loved has made him yearn more for the past, the past that never was for him. He doesn’t understand how he could still be sad.

Josh is happy with Tyler, and Tyler is happy with Josh. But Tyler is not happy with Tyler.

Josh and Tyler have kissed more than once but Tyler feels no more at home with Josh than he did before. But he still kisses Josh as if it did.

They both enjoy this, and Tyler wishes that he could be content with just this. He doesn’t tell Josh this, but he knows. It hurts him at first, but he understands, at least he thinks he does. 

Josh is fully content with just Tyler, but Tyler isn’t fully content with Josh, just temporarily distracted.

“Tyler, you know I love you.” Josh whispers one night on Tyler’s ear. And Tyler knows this, but he feels a pang if hurt in his heart at the words.

“I know.” He finally whispers back, not wanting to be anywhere but Josh’s arms right now. 

And they stay that way, Josh holding Tyler as if he might break if he let go. And he might, neither is sure.

But in the moment, it was real. Raw emotions, raw being. Tyler was in the moment, and god, did it feel good. Tyler wanted to stay like this forever.

But nothing lasts forever, and they both knew this.


	11. Evanescent

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, trigger warning, love y’all please stay safe.
> 
> -Ray

Evanescent: vanishing quickly, lasting for a very short time.

 

Small things can tear up a person, for Josh it was a note.

 

Josh is upset, but saying he didn’t see it coming would be a lie. He was called by Tyler’s mom to come over, and that it was urgent.

 

If Josh wasn’t sure that he was alive, he would have known in that moment. That was all he was then, alive. Heart thumbing in his ears, blood draining from his face, body stiffening in shock, he was alive. But knowing he was alive wasn’t what he wanted. He wanted to know if Tyler was.

 

Knocking on Tyler’s door, maybe formerly Tyler’s door took everything in Josh. He waited patiently for the door to open, even though the seconds felt like hours and the sweat that was forming felt like icicles down his back. When the door opened Tyler’s mom stood there holding an envelope.

 

“Hey Josh, it’s probably best if you hear it from me, but,” she said softly as if she were about to break down. “It’s just, I can’t fix this, and I know how close you were. I’m sorry I didn’t do more.” She said crying and handed him the note. “She’s dead, and she spelt her name wrong on your letter,” she said laughing a little through her tears. “Silly Taylor, always masquerading as a boy.”

 

Josh stood their in pained silence, he knew Tyler’s mom wasn’t accepting. But to call her dead son a girl, and not honouring his wishes when he was dead was too far. He almost felt no sympathy for her until she spoke again.

 

“She just, didn’t leave a note for me.” And Josh finally met her eyes and felt bad for this woman. The woman he swore never to feel bad for. The woman who ignored Tyler, and made him feel unworthy.

 

“I know I wasn’t the best mother for her, but could you forgive me?”

 

“I don’t think I could ever forgive you.” Josh said and walked away, leaving Tyler’s mom on her doorstep.

 

Josh couldn’t read the note, not yet at least. It didn’t feel right. He was still angry at Tyler. He stayed in his room crying and pleading for Tyler.

 

“This can’t be how it ends! No, this isn’t how the story goes.” He screamed loudly. It seemed nothing would ever be alright ever again. As if Tyler had somehow been the glue that held the planet together. He just needed to know why, why Tyler would do this.

 

With shaky hands he opened up the envelope.

 

Hey Josh,

 

Fuck, this is weird. I’m sorry I guess. But I want you to know, of all the people on the planet, you were he only one I wrote to. So I guess that makes you special, and you can say ‘I’m the only one with Tyler’s suicide note!’ If you want to or something.

 

Ok enough of that, I promised myself that my note to you wouldn’t be weird or jokey, but I here we are.

 

But being serious Josh, you need to find happiness without me.

 

I wasn’t happy on earth, and I can only be happy when I’m dead, so please don’t put this on yourself. No one accepted me but you. And you made me feel something when I thought no one could.

 

But Josh, this wasn’t good for you either. I heard you talking to your math teacher about how you were failing, and I knew it was because you were spending all your time with me.

 

I love you Josh, but I couldn’t live like that. Can you please forgive me?

 

I’ll see you from the stars Josh, I’m sorry it had to be this way. Don’t be sad, be happy. I’m finally going to be happy.

 

Eternally yours, Tyler.

 


	12. Vestigial

Vestigial: in trace amounts.

 

Tyler was everywhere, he was in the sunlight peaking out behind the clouds, he was in the smiles of the young kids on the playground, he was in the lightning flashing in the dark.

 

It was raining the day of the funeral, which Josh thought was fitting. This was sad, and Tyler wouldn’t want to leave softly, he always wanted to be something. And now he was everywhere, you could find traces of Tyler everywhere.

 

Josh hated the funeral, but only because it wasn’t for Tyler, it was for Taylor.

 

He couldn’t stand seeing Tyler in the casket wearing a dress with flowers in his short hair, he cried hearing them call him Taylor, and he left when he saw the gravestone that had Taylor Joseph written on it.

 

Josh hated it, he hated everyone. He couldn’t believe their stupidity, their ignorance! He was so mad he went out and bought a carving knife.

 

Sneaking back into the graveyard in he middle of the night was scary, but for Tyler he would walk to the ends of the earth, so he did it. It took a lot of time and effort and he left with his hands cut up and sore but the job was done.

 

_His name was Tyler_

 

Was now carved into the gravestone.

 

There were traces of Tyler everywhere, and that night, you could see traces of Tyler in Josh.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow! Ok can’t believe this is finished! I’m glad I wrote this, and I’m sorry for the sad ending but I really couldn’t see it ending any other way. Tell me if you liked it, or how it made you feel. All the comments I’ve gotten make my day! Check out my other story? I should also be starting another one soon! I love all of you, suicide is not the answer please ask for help!   
> -with love, Ray


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